Once upon a time, there was a girl who dreamed of an adulthood where she had her own television with cable and quilted toilet paper. That girl was me. And those dreams came true. With my trusty cable box at the ready and remote in hand, I sit my pampered bum in front of the television and take in the best of the worst television has to offer. Just for you.
This week, it was all about family. And dancing. But it wasn’t just any old family and dancing extravaganza. This week, there was more glamor, more glitz, more criminality: Twins! Sequins! Dancing! Staten Island! Audrina!
Before you pass out from excitement, let me tell you all about it:
Mob Wives: Sundays, 8pm, VH1
Despite the fact that I grew up within shouting distance of Staten Island, I’ve never explored the abundant wonders of the eastern shores of The Narrows. From what I learned on Mob Wives, only ten people live there, they all know each other, and they’re all connected (to the MAFIA). In a number of ways, this show is the Designer Imposters Real Housewives of New Jersey, minus the “my family is thick as thieves” quotability and table-flipping. I wanted to dislike these women, but the show made me pretty sad. Also, I had a surprising moment of feminist outrage directed at whoever made the decision to edit the show as though these women—and not their husbands and fathers—are fashionably criminal. Cheesy-ass mug-shot style intro cards and faux-surveillance shots doesn’t make hard and lonely lives more interesting or glamorous.
Audrina: Sundays, 9pm, VH1
It seems nearly impossible that it was only five years ago that Audrina Patridge came into my life. It seems like a forever ago. It also seems nearly impossible that anyone would be interested enough in Audrina to build a reality show around her and the Patridge family, complete with a Kardashians-esque credit sequence. But it happened, and as my friend who doesn’t read my writing said, it wasn’t terrible. While Audrina’s made the bold acting choice to maintain the wooden on-camera persona she honed alongside LC, Lo, and Justin Bobby, she’s pretty likable here. That said, the true star of the show is Audrina’s mother, Lynn. I could listen to her talk to the camera and slap androgynous pilates instructors on the ass all day. Man, I miss The Hills.
The Dance Scene: Sundays, 10pm, E!
Just when you think Ryan Seacrest has enough Kardashians to last a lifetime, he finds himself a choreographer who keeps trying to make catchphrases like, “You go full out till your knuckles bleed” and “We can rule the world with our feet” happen. I love dancing on television, and if this show was all practicing routines on rooftops at sunset, I might stick with The Dance Scene. But right now, watching Lauriann Gibson barely stifle her rage at her dancers, especially the unfortunately named Kherington (it sounds like a lotion, right?), is funny, but not enough to hold me.
16 and Pregnant: Tuesdays, 10pm, MTV
Before you even ask, yes, the children are still having children. And MTV is still taping them while they do it. Oh, and, yes, at the advent of the fourth season, I’m still watching. I should warn you: this probably isn’t the last you’ll hear about this show. Lest you be one of those reckless casters-of-stones at MTV viewers, I intend to keep you informed about the state of our youth and their children. The premiere set up an interesting season with hints towards revisiting the conversation on relationship violence, increasing the teens’ interactions with law enforcement, and, in this particular episode, the complications that arise when one’s identical twin is jealous of one’s baby and boyfriend.
Next Week on “We Watch So You Don’t Have To:”
We danced this week, but next week we’ll be all about singing and The Voice. And, because I have no idea what it’s about, I’ll be checking out Saddle Ranch. Oh, and to keep you coming back for more, I have a few surprise shows up my sleeve.
Remember, if anything exciting happens, you’ll be the first to know.